Well, I was all of 9 days into a new year and I already felt like I had blown it. Sound familiar to anyone?
Yes, I said no expectations, but surely, I DID expect to be
able to get back to work. And I did expect to be able to meet up with friends.
And I did expect to be able to go out into the world and the grocery store…I
mean those aren’t really “true” expectations, are they? Just to be able to
function in my life?
Jet Lag at this age and across continents I have learned can
be rough. Actually, after this most recent trip home we’ve decided we need to
not just look at the bottom line what is the cheapest ticket but what is the
best route and do we need to gradually make our way back over across the world
when coming home. Those things that begin to factor into your life when you
realize I’m not resilient I won’t just bounce back into things. So, a week ago
Tuesday when I started feeling crummy, I chalked it up to lack of sleep and the
havoc that the traveling and the stress of the last 2 months have been on my
body. But unfortunately, it was more than that. Turns out it was Covid.
And I was frustrated. To the point of tears. Not because I
felt so terrible and achy and feverish and wasn’t keeping much food down…you
would think those would be the causes of frustration.
But I was frustrated
because my plans…
My plans to start back into normalcy on Monday January 10th,
2022 were to be thwarted. As good but also challenging as being away for 9
weeks was and the ups and downs of family life and the USA visit, my mind was
laser focused on “well at least” things will return to our routine. Come mid
January, I need to have normal routine in my life. I need the kids to go back
to school. I need James to go back to work. I need Staff to come back and life to return to
the manageable chaotic “normal” that it is. Those in the cold weather climates
often have the January Blues. The hype of the holidays are over, family has
scattered once again and its cold outside and disappointment and depression
sets in. That’s how I feel when the “normal” does not start. And I should know
by now.
I really should.
Almost every January, school is scheduled to start at a
certain date and the government changes the date, last minute. One year it was
for the Cholera outbreak. Another year it was for political reasons. Then for
Covid. Then because the grading of the national exams were not finished and the
kids couldn’t start. Then for Covid again. You would THINK by NOW…I would be used to the
changes. That I would anticipate the last-minute changes and that would become
normal. But no.
So, I started thinking, well what happens when things, good things and good intentions don’t go your way. Yes, we can rest in knowing it’s for the best. Maybe I needed this extra time to recover then I normally would have given myself. And maybe my kids need a bit more time to recoup before starting into their programs for the year. James reminded me of the huge blessing that getting Covid now, here at home was INSTEAD of when we were getting our PCR tests to travel. We could have been banned from coming home, and how much more of a basket case I would be then. (My words, not his 😊) And its so true. When I put that into perspective, I’m glad I have it now rather than 2 weeks ago. And we are fine, this isn’t a terrible thing, my point isn't really the Covid but rather the disappointment, the frustration.
I’ve realized as human beings, in our lives, we need time to process.
Time to feel the disappointment
and the frustration. Time to feel the hurt.
I used to think because we trust in God’s Sovereignty and that
all things are going to work out for the best, then that means somehow, we just
shouldn’t feel or have those emotions. It’s a lack of faith, lack of trust,
lack of love. That essentially its wrong to have those emotions. And I am
learning that that is just not true. Yes, outbursts of rage and anger at someone
because of our disappointment are wrong. But our disappointment and frustration
and sadness and even anger at times are not in themselves wrong. By quickly
skipping over the hurt I have also realized it doesn’t help you get over it
quicker. It might even just stuff it down for another day. Who knows? Just maybe.
And then that might blow up at any unsuspecting moment. (Life experiences are telling me this)
So, what I’m trying to think through and learn over these
days, months and years is that as Christians, as human beings, we need to be
able to feel. Our emotions are not to be cut off just because we know God is in
control. The 'harder' emotions, the ones that maybe aren't pleasant to feel, that we don't really know what to do with at times. We need to feel them. To go through them.
So when you are into a new year, day 9 even and you already
have felt disappointment, you already have felt like things are not going as
you had hoped, take encouragement that God sees us.
He gave us our
emotions, He knows our frame. He is good.
I came across the song/video/oratorio “The God who sees” by
Nicole C. Mullen and Kathie Lee Gifford
Watch it, listen to it. It’s beautiful.
God sees us. Each joy
and triumph and each frustration and tear.
This whole year, God is going to see us.
And if you are a weepy middle age woman, or not, that statement
right there can give you joyful tears.
💚
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