I think one thing the “adoption culture” that has become prominent in churches and social justice forums needs is a dose of realism. Not a wet blanket thrown on any spark of compassion, but realism.
I am convinced that any child adopted out of a home, (not directly from birth) whether it be from relatives, foster care, off the street, abandoned or from an orphanage at any age has “special needs”. There is no magic age, if you get them before 2... then you should have no real problems, or under 5 but not older... There can be so many misconceptions in our own minds of what it will be like, what it should be like, what we will feel versus what we actually feel on any given day.
We read lots of books, watch dvds, attend seminars but nothing actually can prepare you. SO my advice is go in with your eyes OPEN to the fact that it will be hard. And that it certainly is not for everyone, by any means. It will be worth it, but it will be hard. And go in humbly. Realizing you might think you know all there is to know about adopting or raising kids or orphan care, social justice, etc. but you don’t. And not just a ‘yeah I don’t’ and on to the next thing, but a really and truly, I don’t.
5 years ago the books I was reading were either all fluffy and “it will be so wonderful”, you are actively doing what God has done for you, you will almost be like a hero, an image of the firefighter running out of the burning building carrying this sweet little innocent baby OR its awful and terrible and so many kids can have so many issues that it scares you to death, and you feel powerless and paralyzed with fear.
Its neither. Its hard. Hardest thing you might ever do, and thats the parenting, living... life. It’s not the process to get the child thats hard and agonizing, but it can be the fears they experience, the fight, the constant need for attention, the unsettledness that they feel behind every motive or action, the attachment issues, the things that just don’t seem to go away no matter how much attention and love is shown, the wondering you yourself might think ...is this normal? Remember when life was more ‘normal’...
The quote below speaks of over romanticizing it. Its not the tear- jerking “coming home” videos you see of love and hope and families united. Its the tears of frustration, impatience, anger, hopelessness that fall when the cameras are off,- the ‘how can I handle this’ that makes it hard.
But in the end what drives you is that every child deserves to be loved. to be wanted. to have a family. Every Single One. And even if the feelings of love ebb and flow and the warm fuzzys are not there, it is the unconditional love that says no matter what, you are my child. I will love you when you are ‘acting’ good and when you are ‘acting’ bad. When you are conforming to my “idea” of what you ought to be and when you are just being you. It’s the love that God has for me regardless of how I am. Its the love I need not just with my adopted child, but with my bio children, my spouse. it’s the love this world needs to see and its the love that has to start right here in my own heart.
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If you want the article in full here is the link. It’s not an endorsement / agreement of any thoughts or opinions just a, hey check this out if interested: (http://www.nytimes.com/2013/11/17/magazine/god-called-them-to-adopt-and-adopt-and-adopt.html?pagewanted=1&_r=2 )
“Of the dozens of evangelical and conservative Christian parents I spoke to, many said that church sermons, Christian radio shows or other Christian campaigns, including Focus on the Family’s national foster-to-adopt program, pushed them to adopt. Some Christian leaders and other critics, however, worry that all this promotion overshadows the hardest and most important part of adoption: parenting these kids. Michael Monroe, along with his wife, Amy, runs Tapestry Adoption and Foster Care Ministry in Irving, Tex., one of the country’s largest Christian adoption ministries. “It’s a disservice when we overromanticize adoption,” he told me. Though many evangelical leaders claim there is a “biblical mandate” to adopt, Monroe disagrees. “Just because my preacher preached a great sermon doesn’t mean my response should be to adopt,” he said. “We are called by the Bible to care for the people of the world, but we don’t all pack up and become missionaries.”
As for Maureen, she is not convinced that any amount of training could have prepared her for what was to come. “Project 1.27 told us it would be hard.” She knew that while all adopted children have suffered loss, children in foster care often have particularly troubled backgrounds and mild to severe mental-health problems. “I thought, I’m just going to love these kids to death, and it will be fine,” Maureen told me. “I had no idea.”
Most upsetting were Ernesto’s outbursts of anger. Almost every dinner seemed to revolve around his screaming fits. He hit Maureen and grabbed her hair with both hands so that she couldn’t move. He threw a car seat at a babysitter. And he bit one of Maureen’s daughters when she tried to hug him. This was a new land of parenting.
In workshops, books and DVDs — including a series done in conjunction with Michael and Amy Monroe that Project 1.27 uses in parent trainings — Purvis pushes people to think about their preconceptions about parenting adopted children: Don’t expect kids to be happy that they have been adopted; do anticipate trauma responses — withdrawing or lashing out — that could last for months or years.
“When I first went into this, I had this idea that everyone should be doing this,” Maureen told me, referring to foster-care adoption. “But if you are going to do it, you better be darn well sure you can handle it.” She and (her husband) Christian have been invited to talk at Project 1.27 trainings. “We try not to scare people away, but I do say, this is really hard stuff,” she said. Following a training last year, one mother sent Maureen an email thanking her for her honesty. She said she and her husband decided they were not ready to be foster parents.”
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