Hand to Mouth

I wrote this about a month ago, then decided not to post in mostly because I didn't want to scare my parents, :) 

But its life and as I talked to my dad recently he was saying that even in the really rough times when you think its so long and hard, later you can look back at it and realize you got through it and it wasn't as bad as it seemed. 

Hand to Mouth Existence.

That’s where we are right now. I will say it has been humbling, stressful, frustrating, emotional, and a way for learning great patience. But beyond all these things it has made us able to understand and relate to people in a way we never have and we never would have been able to, had we not gone through this season of our lives.  And I shouldn’t say “gone through” because it is not finished. We are not through it yet. 

But the feeling of not knowing where your next meal is coming from, or your next tank of gas...well not even tank, your next 5 dollars of gas to get you to where you need, or your next 2 dollars of “talk time” to be able to make a phone call. 

Most everything here is pre paid. The electricity, your phone, your internet, etc. Yesterday I noticed we had about one hour of power left. And we had about 30 Kwacha. ($6). We bought enough power for the day, I delivered a batch of energy bars and then had enough money to buy flour, milk and potatoes at the store with $5 left over to buy power today. 

With the power its pretty standard I buy the whole months worth at a time, but last month was not able to, so I knew we were going to run short the last week in the pay period. This year both of our workers finished their 2 year contract and we did not renew them, so we had to pay out their benefits of a half years salary to each of them. Something we are still working on paying. 

It seems for everyone, there are always life things that come up unexpectedly and your “budget” doesn’t really fit the actual. But you take what you are making and try to pare down and work with it, etc. But when you pare down and pare down and have nothing left to pare down it can be very discouraging.

Sometimes I sell a cake and literally walk next door to the grocery store, take the $20 and start the math of what is absolutely essential and how can I use the amount I have.

And somewhere between the produce section and the baking aisle I miscount and end up at the register watching as they ring up the items waiting to tell them to stop right there.  And though this may be new to me, it is how the majority of people live, in fact I have seen it pretty much every time I am at the grocery store. (especially outside of America. You can’t live on credit. You can only buy with what you have. Novel idea eh?)

When an employee tells me I am sorry I couldn’t call you to report I am not coming to work, because I didn’t have talk time, well now I can relate. 

When they ask to help with transport money, I can relate.

When you have been eating spinach and onion as THE vegetables for the last 2 weeks because its all you have in your garden, I can relate. 

When I see others waiting until “month end” when they are paid, and they begin to file into the stores and into town for their shopping, I can relate. 

When I see others looking for money in different places, from people that owe them, I can relate. Whether it is waiting on the rental company that owes a reimbursement for work done on the house months ago, or collecting money from books sold, or collecting a downpayment for a cake, your mind goes to how can I cover this and who owes me.

When friends say they have had to look for school fees from relatives and friends to pay for their kids school, I can relate. 

To be completely honest, it has been tough. But when I think clearly and see how even in these challenging times, we have not ever once gone without what was absolutely essential to our basic needs, I know the Lord is teaching us and taking care of us. 

One morning all I could offer the kids for breakfast was ice cream, from a batch that didn’t turn out and was in the deep freezer. I had no milk, no eggs, no flour to make anything. They thought it was great, ICE CREAM ! Yeah!!  and I tried to make it fun but it was a bit bittersweet, in that I knew this is all I could come up with. 

We wanted to stay here in Zambia and are very glad we did. But that meant that after 14 years, it was a completely different change of careers and immediately. I continue to be thankful (when my heart is right!) and see how even when things are extremely tight, and making half of what we made before, the Lord is still providing for us. 

We have only been attending the new church we are at for about 2 months, and someone anonymously gave us $600 in an envelope. It made me cry, oh me of little faith. It came on the heels of a really bad week spiritually and emotionally for me which again re-iterates, God doesn’t look at what we have done and reward according to our works. It’s only because we are his children and He wants to bless us. It happened to be the very week our car insurance, road tax and fitness were all due and it pretty much exactly covered it. 

One thing I can say is I have much less of the attitude when others are struggling that “they just need to get it together” than I used to have. I am sure there’s still some there, but it’s a lot less.

As we look ahead we have realistic hope of making it more than this “hand to mouth.” With my new job, its potential of a partnership in the company, current quarterly commission and opportunities to roll my cake business into it, we can see ahead.

With James’s drive -hard working, do whatever it takes, do whatever needs to be done even if no one wants to do it, never one to sit around, never seen him lazy a day of his life- I know we can and will make it. And one day in the (hopefully) near future, we can be more financially settled. 

As we have seen over these last 4 years, so many lessons in life or things we learn are by experience and only by experience. And God chooses us to learn them that way so we can better relate to people and understand them. And not just so we can understand, but so that our heart can be moved to greater compassion and grace. 

...And I just checked our account this morning, the new pay period has begun and the money’s in the bank. Off to go get a full tank of fuel, electricity, and groceries. (Hubby’s orders...)