Frustrations and Disappointments

 Well, I was all of 9 days into a new year and I already felt like I had blown it. Sound familiar to anyone?

Yes, I said no expectations, but surely, I DID expect to be able to get back to work. And I did expect to be able to meet up with friends. And I did expect to be able to go out into the world and the grocery store…I mean those aren’t really “true” expectations, are they? Just to be able to function in my life?

Jet Lag at this age and across continents I have learned can be rough. Actually, after this most recent trip home we’ve decided we need to not just look at the bottom line what is the cheapest ticket but what is the best route and do we need to gradually make our way back over across the world when coming home. Those things that begin to factor into your life when you realize I’m not resilient I won’t just bounce back into things. So, a week ago Tuesday when I started feeling crummy, I chalked it up to lack of sleep and the havoc that the traveling and the stress of the last 2 months have been on my body. But unfortunately, it was more than that. Turns out it was Covid.

And I was frustrated. To the point of tears. Not because I felt so terrible and achy and feverish and wasn’t keeping much food down…you would think those would be the causes of frustration.

 But I was frustrated because my plans…

My plans to start back into normalcy on Monday January 10^th, 2022 were to be thwarted. As good but also challenging as being away for 9 weeks was and the ups and downs of family life and the USA visit, my mind was laser focused on “well at least” things will return to our routine. Come mid January, I need to have normal routine in my life. I need the kids to go back to school. I need James to go back to work. I need Staff to come back and life to return to the manageable chaotic “normal” that it is. Those in the cold weather climates often have the January Blues. The hype of the holidays are over, family has scattered once again and its cold outside and disappointment and depression sets in. That’s how I feel when the “normal” does not start. And I should know by now.

I really should.

Almost every January, school is scheduled to start at a certain date and the government changes the date, last minute. One year it was for the Cholera outbreak. Another year it was for political reasons. Then for Covid. Then because the grading of the national exams were not finished and the kids couldn’t start. Then for Covid again.  You would THINK by NOW…I would be used to the changes. That I would anticipate the last-minute changes and that would become normal. But no.

So, I started thinking, well what happens when things, good things and good intentions don’t go your way. Yes, we can rest in knowing it’s for the best. Maybe I needed this extra time to recover then I normally would have given myself. And maybe my kids need a bit more time to recoup before starting into their programs for the year. James reminded me of the huge blessing that getting Covid now, here at home was INSTEAD of when we were getting our PCR tests to travel. We could have been banned from coming home, and how much more of a basket case I would be then. (My words, not his 😊) And its so true. When I put that into perspective, I’m glad I have it now rather than 2 weeks ago. And we are fine, this isn’t a terrible thing, my point isn't really the Covid but rather the disappointment, the frustration.

 I’ve realized as human beings, in our lives, we need time to process. 

Time to feel the disappointment and the frustration. Time to feel the hurt.

I used to think because we trust in God’s Sovereignty and that all things are going to work out for the best, then that means somehow, we just shouldn’t feel or have those emotions. It’s a lack of faith, lack of trust, lack of love. That essentially its wrong to have those emotions. And I am learning that that is just not true. Yes, outbursts of rage and anger at someone because of our disappointment are wrong. But our disappointment and frustration and sadness and even anger at times are not in themselves wrong. By quickly skipping over the hurt I have also realized it doesn’t help you get over it quicker. It might even just stuff it down for another day. Who knows? Just maybe. And then that might blow up at any unsuspecting moment. (Life experiences are telling me this) 

So, what I’m trying to think through and learn over these days, months and years is that as Christians, as human beings, we need to be able to feel. Our emotions are not to be cut off just because we know God is in control. The 'harder' emotions, the ones that maybe aren't pleasant to feel, that we don't really know what to do with at times. We need to feel them. To go through them. 

So when you are into a new year, day 9 even and you already have felt disappointment, you already have felt like things are not going as you had hoped, take encouragement that God sees us.

 He gave us our emotions, He knows our frame. He is good.

I came across the song/video/oratorio “The God who sees” by Nicole C. Mullen and Kathie Lee Gifford

Watch it, listen to it. It’s beautiful.

 God sees us. Each joy and triumph and each frustration and tear.

This whole year, God is going to see us.

And if you are a weepy middle age woman, or not, that statement right there can give you joyful tears.

 

No Expectations, but Hope.

This cursor on the blank page flashing at me is kind of like this year ahead, 2022.

There’s nothing written yet. The options are endless. Anything can happen.  Sometimes we might feel stuck in our lives, a never-ending cycle of doing the same things over and over. Good things maybe, the right things even, but because of the monotony of it we may “feel” like we are stuck. We’ve lost our joy, maybe lost our bearings and most discouragingly we have lost our hope.

We all need hope. We can’t thrive without it. And I want to thrive this year.

I think 2021 was a year of losing hope for me.  To back it up, we all know how terrible 2020 was. But somehow, we got through it onto the other side. I tried to see the challenges as blessings. The USA college kids were home and got to spend much more time here then they had in years. I had traveled so much across the world and back in 2019 for Mom’s cancer, that I was very content to have to stay put.

But…The wearing of the masks, the canceling of school and social distancing and the fear that was spread across the world and families and homes and supermarkets was tiring. That to me was the worst part. But we made it through. In my mind there was some fanciful thought that 2021 would be different. That the year would start, and life and the world would be back to normal.

But it wasn’t.

And I did not handle that well. I became irritable, angry, depressed even. Not having much hope. As the pandemic continued on it severely effected our business and income and financial trouble was added into that mix, and it was not pretty. To sum it all up, I look back at the first part of 2021 and I was discontent. Somewhere in the middle of the year I felt things changed, I accepted that life was how it was, not any easier but the acceptance came and a few months later I came to the realization, through a conviction, that I had turned into a complaining person.

And I was brought face to face with the reality that we had taught our kids from an early age, not to be complainy and whiney children. We sang songs about doing all things without complaining or grumbling, memorized verses, disciplined for bad attitudes, and really put effort and time into that aspect of developing their character. And God really blessed it and them. (Those that know our kids I’m fairly confident can testify that they are not complainers)

But me… Certainly that can’t be said of me. Here I was doing the opposite of what I had wanted for my kids. I was failing miserably in that. I could give myself excuses, “but life here is hard”, “but that person was rude to me”, “but I’m hungry…crampy…tired…” fill in any blank and there always seems to be a justification in my mind of why it should be ok. But its not. Because not only is it a bad example to my kids and the world around me, it sucks the life and joy out of the home. Everything is a downer.  I had come to realize that, apologized to my family and am setting out on a new course of “trying” to not complain.

 As I thought about the year, with the way 2019, 2020 and 2021 have gone I figured I’m not looking to set any records. Things are going to happen how they happen. So, as I start 2022 there are

No goals.

No Resolutions.

No Declarations.

And definitely, No Expectations.

And its funny how I feel the most hopeful in that. Because from what I have learned in my life the last few years, it is the expectations that really trip me up. I’ve often thought I need to lower my expectations but this year, no. There will be no Expectations.

 Most often it is my mind of how I think things should be. How I think someone should have responded to me. How I see where I am in life and where I thought I would have been and the expectations that surround that. I get caught up in wanting/needing/expecting everything to be just right and I miss the small things. The happiness in the everyday.

So, for 2022

I want to be marked by a content heart and attitude.

I want to be easy on people and myself.

I want to think on the Goodness and Kindness of God

I want to keep a record of the blessings we see tangibly and answers to prayer this year

And I want to write…

Somehow, I feel like I’ve got about 2 years bottled up inside waiting to be typed out. Lots of blank pages with cursors staring at me in 2022.

So cheers to a new year with no expectations, but definitely some hope.