Adjustments

 

Well as we know it life has its twists and turns. And after 2 months of reeling from what was a shock to us all initially, I’m ready to process it through writing.

Our start to the new year was a new job for James. We weathered the storm of Covid to his shipping company, but the stress associated with that job along with the constant demands from people complaining about what always amounts to their “stuff” not being delivered on time or in a matter that they wanted when its being tracked across the globe, ended up being too much. We knew it was time to get out even though our money was tied up in the company and despite the fact that the life was seemingly to be sucked out of my husband on a daily basis. So, he found a job as a country manager for a business, and we had hopes of the extra income from a new job in the corporate world, to be the thing that was going to change us. Change our financial state, change our constant battles with not ever seeming to get to the place where we have anything extra, and change us finally getting free of our debts and thus in tern finally getting us to that elusive place where all our hopes and dreams can finally be actualized because when it comes down to it, its money that always seems to hold us back. Right?!

And then after 3 months of working extremely hard and many, many long hours for this company in setting everything up and getting key clients on board, they dropped him. Work Permit, Immigration, Contract issues however they wanted to put it - from our perspective, it was clear they didn’t want the expense of keeping him on payroll. So that was that. In hindsight we saw signs that maybe this wasn’t going to be a good thing.

But we were still surprised and didn’t really know what to make of this turn of events.

But here’s the nutshell. We took a week to think about it and pray and he decided to start a woodworking, wood drying business. He is still getting a small income from his courier company, the business he bought into with his other shareholders, but this new business would be his own and what he wanted to do. Quality anything is hard to come by in Zambia and there is nowhere that sells dried wood. So, he spent the last 2 months building a solar kiln and he is now starting the process to dry wood.

Its quite interesting how it all works but he’s got several orders in the queue to make things for people mostly furniture and small things for now. He’s trying to figure out the market and alternative sources for getting logs and wood and the milling and transportation process etc. It’s a lot to get started especially when there are no “startup” funds for this business, but we are at a good place now having learned what we want to do and how to do it.

Especially we have learned over all these years since ending ministry work, what we want and what we need for our family wise. Its not at all a secret among the family that I like Monday mornings, when everyone goes back to school, to work to their routine- that I like my personal space, and that I like to be alone at home sometimes which never actually happens especially since we’ve been homeschooling, or the kids have been doing online learning for pretty much the last 20 years. But its still something I try to obtain. I’m not sure I think maybe there was 1 year in the last 20 when everyone was at a school, but I can’t recall. I can’t even keep track of the number of “disagreements” over feeling like my home space was being invaded by pretty much everyone whose home it was also…strange. But I’m sure some of you can relate.

I don’t even know what that’s like to drop your kids at school as a stay-at-home mom and then have the whole day til you pick them up. Anyway. That’s ok. Its fast approaching now where the house will be empty and then I’ll be weeping over that.

So, all that to say the biggest fear I had of James doing a business from home was not that the risk was too much. Cause we were already at a place where we had nothing, absolutely nothing to lose in trying.

But the biggest fear was that he was going to be home. Working, but HOME.

And I am not sure how I got to the place where that was a problem. He worked from home as a pastor for about 15 years, but in the last 10 I think I’ve come to be ok with knowing who I am and what I can try to overcome and what I need for my own state and I’m ok with that.

So my biggest fear was walking through the house on my way to do my house work or business and he was going to be there.  My day-to-day routine with those kids that are home is pretty laid back. Everyone just grabs their own breakfast and lunch too and I didn’t want to have expectations on me that we would all be sitting around the table for every meal during the day etc.  I also didn’t want o feel guilty if I was taking a break reading a book, wasting some time on the internet or the rare occasion that I would sneak off to my room and watch a tv show. With my business I also run around a lot. So in my mind I didn’t want to feel every time I got into the car to head somewhere that I would need to say goodbye I’ll be back and so on and so forth.

All these examples to explain why in my mind this working form home was going to be problematic for us, for me especially. I even googled how to work form home and still get along with each other. Basically, my thoughts about retirement and how that would some day play out, were fast forwarded and I was stressed.

But, I am so thankful God has been good and given us much help. We have worked out a routine now (the first weeks were rough, and emotions were intense and high- mine of course!), he’s got an office now (Emma’s old room- which yes she was helped to move out quickly in part because of this and I know she is still working through our quick decisions, but with a good attitude at least 😊). His office accesses the back porch and can get to his workshop that way without going through the whole house. Part of the problem is the layout of the house is so bad, that anyone wanting to get to one part of the house must go through the main areas. I diverge but that is an issue in this rental house that we are so thankful for but also, we get so frustrated with at times too.

Also I realized that I don’t have to interact with everyone every time I see them. That’s too much. Just cause someone walks by me and I am at my desk, or I’m sitting on the couch

A.      I don’t have to say anything to them

B.      I don’t have to know where they are going or what they are doing

And likewise, the same for me. So that continues to be a work in progress, but it’s a forward moving work, which is really all I can ask for. I have been so thankful that my business has really started to grow this year and I am putting a lot of effort into that, probably am a 75% working mom at this stage in life. That also is working out for us, and I am thankful that I can put my efforts and time into running my business from home as well, and that I can also be contributing in that way.

Right now, though, Home is a noisy place, and ironically its no longer from all the kids. Some days after dinner and everyone is doing their own thing, the house and yard are finally quiet. We currently have 5 staff working on the property. 2 for the house, 2 for my bakery and 1 for James’s business. The 2 house staff also work in our businesses as well So it is A LOT. I have started finding a day or two a week to leave home just to get some quiet and do some work, sometimes I will linger long at a coffee shop after my deliveries or checking on my products in stores just to be able to get some things done. But I am SO Thankful we have fallen into a good routine and our stress levels have lowered and things at least at home are going along smoothly.

James has been getting several custom orders and now after getting the wood in the kiln and starting the drying process he has started making some small projects for selling. He has made some beautiful things already and I continue to be pleasantly surprised at his skill and creativeness. Since his company is now registered, we can incorporate Jackson’s leatherwork into the company as well and will continue to develop that aspect as time allows. Caleb has been saving to get a welding machine and has been interested in ironwork so that’s a great complement to the crafts if he chooses to get involved in that.

So, Williamson Craftsmen Co. was born!  

Sometimes the very thing that you thought would provide you the security and stability that you desperately wanted was the very thing that was going to take you farther and farther from those goals. And sometimes in order to take a risk you must be at the place where you say, well what have we got to lose at this point really?

I am thankful and we are very much feeling peaceful now. And I did very much have to literally call my best friend and have her give me a pep talk… Megan you can do this. It will be hard but you can! You can support and encourage this business and it can be a very good thing for your family.

So, in the end having the prospect of “more money” with trying to find another job in the corporate world and the prospect of “more time” with a family business that the kids can be involved in especially in their last years at home, definitely tipped the scales.  I am proud of James.  His ambition and drive to keep working hard for our family has never wavered in over 27 years. He is the Man!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Frustrations and Disappointments

 Well, I was all of 9 days into a new year and I already felt like I had blown it. Sound familiar to anyone?

Yes, I said no expectations, but surely, I DID expect to be able to get back to work. And I did expect to be able to meet up with friends. And I did expect to be able to go out into the world and the grocery store…I mean those aren’t really “true” expectations, are they? Just to be able to function in my life?

Jet Lag at this age and across continents I have learned can be rough. Actually, after this most recent trip home we’ve decided we need to not just look at the bottom line what is the cheapest ticket but what is the best route and do we need to gradually make our way back over across the world when coming home. Those things that begin to factor into your life when you realize I’m not resilient I won’t just bounce back into things. So, a week ago Tuesday when I started feeling crummy, I chalked it up to lack of sleep and the havoc that the traveling and the stress of the last 2 months have been on my body. But unfortunately, it was more than that. Turns out it was Covid.

And I was frustrated. To the point of tears. Not because I felt so terrible and achy and feverish and wasn’t keeping much food down…you would think those would be the causes of frustration.

 But I was frustrated because my plans…

My plans to start back into normalcy on Monday January 10^th, 2022 were to be thwarted. As good but also challenging as being away for 9 weeks was and the ups and downs of family life and the USA visit, my mind was laser focused on “well at least” things will return to our routine. Come mid January, I need to have normal routine in my life. I need the kids to go back to school. I need James to go back to work. I need Staff to come back and life to return to the manageable chaotic “normal” that it is. Those in the cold weather climates often have the January Blues. The hype of the holidays are over, family has scattered once again and its cold outside and disappointment and depression sets in. That’s how I feel when the “normal” does not start. And I should know by now.

I really should.

Almost every January, school is scheduled to start at a certain date and the government changes the date, last minute. One year it was for the Cholera outbreak. Another year it was for political reasons. Then for Covid. Then because the grading of the national exams were not finished and the kids couldn’t start. Then for Covid again.  You would THINK by NOW…I would be used to the changes. That I would anticipate the last-minute changes and that would become normal. But no.

So, I started thinking, well what happens when things, good things and good intentions don’t go your way. Yes, we can rest in knowing it’s for the best. Maybe I needed this extra time to recover then I normally would have given myself. And maybe my kids need a bit more time to recoup before starting into their programs for the year. James reminded me of the huge blessing that getting Covid now, here at home was INSTEAD of when we were getting our PCR tests to travel. We could have been banned from coming home, and how much more of a basket case I would be then. (My words, not his 😊) And its so true. When I put that into perspective, I’m glad I have it now rather than 2 weeks ago. And we are fine, this isn’t a terrible thing, my point isn't really the Covid but rather the disappointment, the frustration.

 I’ve realized as human beings, in our lives, we need time to process. 

Time to feel the disappointment and the frustration. Time to feel the hurt.

I used to think because we trust in God’s Sovereignty and that all things are going to work out for the best, then that means somehow, we just shouldn’t feel or have those emotions. It’s a lack of faith, lack of trust, lack of love. That essentially its wrong to have those emotions. And I am learning that that is just not true. Yes, outbursts of rage and anger at someone because of our disappointment are wrong. But our disappointment and frustration and sadness and even anger at times are not in themselves wrong. By quickly skipping over the hurt I have also realized it doesn’t help you get over it quicker. It might even just stuff it down for another day. Who knows? Just maybe. And then that might blow up at any unsuspecting moment. (Life experiences are telling me this) 

So, what I’m trying to think through and learn over these days, months and years is that as Christians, as human beings, we need to be able to feel. Our emotions are not to be cut off just because we know God is in control. The 'harder' emotions, the ones that maybe aren't pleasant to feel, that we don't really know what to do with at times. We need to feel them. To go through them. 

So when you are into a new year, day 9 even and you already have felt disappointment, you already have felt like things are not going as you had hoped, take encouragement that God sees us.

 He gave us our emotions, He knows our frame. He is good.

I came across the song/video/oratorio “The God who sees” by Nicole C. Mullen and Kathie Lee Gifford

Watch it, listen to it. It’s beautiful.

 God sees us. Each joy and triumph and each frustration and tear.

This whole year, God is going to see us.

And if you are a weepy middle age woman, or not, that statement right there can give you joyful tears.

 

No Expectations, but Hope.

This cursor on the blank page flashing at me is kind of like this year ahead, 2022.

There’s nothing written yet. The options are endless. Anything can happen.  Sometimes we might feel stuck in our lives, a never-ending cycle of doing the same things over and over. Good things maybe, the right things even, but because of the monotony of it we may “feel” like we are stuck. We’ve lost our joy, maybe lost our bearings and most discouragingly we have lost our hope.

We all need hope. We can’t thrive without it. And I want to thrive this year.

I think 2021 was a year of losing hope for me.  To back it up, we all know how terrible 2020 was. But somehow, we got through it onto the other side. I tried to see the challenges as blessings. The USA college kids were home and got to spend much more time here then they had in years. I had traveled so much across the world and back in 2019 for Mom’s cancer, that I was very content to have to stay put.

But…The wearing of the masks, the canceling of school and social distancing and the fear that was spread across the world and families and homes and supermarkets was tiring. That to me was the worst part. But we made it through. In my mind there was some fanciful thought that 2021 would be different. That the year would start, and life and the world would be back to normal.

But it wasn’t.

And I did not handle that well. I became irritable, angry, depressed even. Not having much hope. As the pandemic continued on it severely effected our business and income and financial trouble was added into that mix, and it was not pretty. To sum it all up, I look back at the first part of 2021 and I was discontent. Somewhere in the middle of the year I felt things changed, I accepted that life was how it was, not any easier but the acceptance came and a few months later I came to the realization, through a conviction, that I had turned into a complaining person.

And I was brought face to face with the reality that we had taught our kids from an early age, not to be complainy and whiney children. We sang songs about doing all things without complaining or grumbling, memorized verses, disciplined for bad attitudes, and really put effort and time into that aspect of developing their character. And God really blessed it and them. (Those that know our kids I’m fairly confident can testify that they are not complainers)

But me… Certainly that can’t be said of me. Here I was doing the opposite of what I had wanted for my kids. I was failing miserably in that. I could give myself excuses, “but life here is hard”, “but that person was rude to me”, “but I’m hungry…crampy…tired…” fill in any blank and there always seems to be a justification in my mind of why it should be ok. But its not. Because not only is it a bad example to my kids and the world around me, it sucks the life and joy out of the home. Everything is a downer.  I had come to realize that, apologized to my family and am setting out on a new course of “trying” to not complain.

 As I thought about the year, with the way 2019, 2020 and 2021 have gone I figured I’m not looking to set any records. Things are going to happen how they happen. So, as I start 2022 there are

No goals.

No Resolutions.

No Declarations.

And definitely, No Expectations.

And its funny how I feel the most hopeful in that. Because from what I have learned in my life the last few years, it is the expectations that really trip me up. I’ve often thought I need to lower my expectations but this year, no. There will be no Expectations.

 Most often it is my mind of how I think things should be. How I think someone should have responded to me. How I see where I am in life and where I thought I would have been and the expectations that surround that. I get caught up in wanting/needing/expecting everything to be just right and I miss the small things. The happiness in the everyday.

So, for 2022

I want to be marked by a content heart and attitude.

I want to be easy on people and myself.

I want to think on the Goodness and Kindness of God

I want to keep a record of the blessings we see tangibly and answers to prayer this year

And I want to write…

Somehow, I feel like I’ve got about 2 years bottled up inside waiting to be typed out. Lots of blank pages with cursors staring at me in 2022.

So cheers to a new year with no expectations, but definitely some hope.